Thursday, November 05, 2009

Satire - Vote for the Conservative Party of Canada

Dear Canadians

Unlike the tax and spend Liberal opposition, the Conservative Party of Canada (CPC) is not only the right choice, but should be the only choice going into Canada’s future.

Do you want some godless, tax and spend Liberals leading your country? No, of course not. You want the righteous spend and spend Conservatives putting more and more money in your pockets, and taking less and less out.

That’s why Stephen Harper reduced the GST. So that when you buy a candy bar, you have an extra two cents to store away. And why not put that money in a tax free savings account, or a tax free educational fund, or a tax-deductable housing improvement allowance? (Which the socialist, godless, tax and spend Liberals voted against.) Because as we gradually take taxes off everything, you’ll have more and more money to spend, and even though it will have to be paid off by your children and grandchildren for centuries to come in the future, at least you’ll have a cool new I-pod to play in your gas guzzling SUV.

Let’s take a moment to remind voters what the Conservative party has done for Canada, and why voting Conservative is the best option for the future.

The Red Carpet

The CPC’s star friends list includes a hero of many Conservative constituents; the right honourable George

Walker Bush and his associates Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Karl Rove. As close friends with Canada’s Prime Minister, (GWB calls him Stevie) and long time allies, the Conservative Party of Canada (CPC) is well practiced in showing how awful other parties are and how the right wing neo-con agenda is always right. We are proud to be acquainted with some of the most distinguished Conservative political minds of our era.

Star Talent

Stephen Harper’s incredible talent began to show when he was leader of the opposition. As early as 2001 he showed his ability to commit long speeches to memory by repeating word for word a speech given by Australian Prime Minister John Howard. In front of parliament, he used the speech to give an impassioned plea for Canada to join George Bush's Coalition of the Willing, and invade Iraq, a sovereign country, without UN permission. In doing this, Mr. Harper was trying to show Canadian strength, and prove that nobody can dictate Canadian policy but Canada, even if in direct contravention of international law.

As opposition leader, Stephen Harper questioned robust scientific evidence of Global Warming. In doing so, he rightly put short term economic gain far above any remote possibility that our carbon emissions might create conditions for human extinction.

Conservative Party Successes

As Prime Minister, Stephen Harper outshone all other international leaders by abandoning Canada’s international obligations to the Kyoto treaty, first at the G8 summit, then at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation Summit (APEC) and again at the Commonwealth Summit. He went on to make Canada the first country to completely abandon its Kyoto targets, and Canada is now the largest per-capita polluter among the G8 countries and we refuse to commit to any significant carbon reducing goals.

Showing the ability to not only plagiarize, but to adapt and reword, Stephen Harper introduced the Clean Air Act, legislation that would allow Canada’s global warming emissions to increase without any repercussions, and very similar to the Bush legislation known as the Clear Skies initiative.

Stephen Harper is truly a leader to be reckoned with on the international stage. He gave Canada a respectable image among some of Canada’s closest and most important allies - hard line Zionist groups. He did this by abandoning Canada’s traditional peaceful role in the Middle East and staunchly supporting Israel's 2006 invasion of Lebanon. He showed his ability to stay the course when he maintained his stance during their collective punishment of all Lebanese people, despite a growing international outcry. More than a year later, he continued to show his unflinching support for Canada’s most important ally, Israel, (formerly the USA, but not anymore since it is now run by a double talking negro man with obvious terrorist roots, ahem, middle name Hussein). Harper showed his support for Israel again when they invaded and occupied the Gaza Strip in 2009. While Israel arbitrarily committed war crimes against Palestinians, the Canadian PM stood strong, refusing to condemn them. In a more recent act of political solidarity, the Canadian government refused entry to British MP George Galloway, who shockingly supported the Gazan people via a mission of mercy to give them food and other basic necessities after many of their homes and livelihoods had been destroyed. This is the type of consistency we feel Canada deserves on the international stage.

Our proud, honorable, economist PM not only oversaw the largest Canadian stock market crash since the Great Depression in the 1930s, but presided over the largest one day, one week, and monthly drops in the Canadian Stock market ever! He reassured panicked investors as they watched their life savings disappear.

After having governed while the Toronto Stock Exchange lost over 40% of its value, Stephen Harper went onto lay blame against the alarmist and angry, not to mention godless, tax and spend opposition, accusing them of deflating the stock market by a further few percentage points via their criticism of the CPC’s management of the crisis.

During this obvious and internationally recognized economic crisis, Stephen Harper reassured Canadians that our economy was still strong even though the Toronto Stock Exchange had crashed 20% more than the NYSE at that same point.

Continuing with The CPC’s impressive economic record, we’re proud to announce that the CPC has reversed the former Liberal Government’s completely unnecessary budget surpluses within three years and set the stage for deficit governance for years to come.

Late in 2008, the CPC put partisanship anger over economic turmoil and proposed a budget that served to unite the opposition against Stephen Harper. Stephen Harper then showed his ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Many CPC supporters believe that a good leader must change as circumstances change, and not be afraid to take on a new course (even though when other the parties do it they are uncertain, baby killing flip-floppers.) In 2003, Stephen Harper tried to convince Jean Chretien to join an illegal coalition to overthrow Iraq’s leader and divide their nation. In 2008, when faced with similar, albeit less violent circumstances, a completely legal coalition threatening the CPC leadership, Stephen Harper took brave steps and launched a full-fledged verbal attack on the very institution he was sworn to protect.

Stephen Harper went on to become the first Prime Minister in Canadian history who, when presented with a confidence motion he was sure to lose, prorogued parliament, thus by ensuring seven weeks of complete government inaction during a global economic crisis.

Stephen Harper and the CPC have in the past reached out to gain the support of opposition parties. They showed their ability for bipartisanship when, in return for massive transfer payments to Quebec, they obtained the support of the Bloc Quebecois during Stephen Harper’s first term in power.

Unfortunately, Stephen Harper had to withdraw his generous transfer payments when those backstabbing, ungrateful separatists no longer supported the Conservative agenda. Stephen Harper then, staving off an opposition coalition, cleverly convinced many Canadians of his version of the truth when he said, "The highest principle of Canadian democracy is that if one wants to be prime minister, one gets one's mandate from the Canadian people and not from Quebec separatists."

Taken straight from George W Bush’s economic plan, Stephen Harper cut taxes and then went on the biggest spending spree in Canada’s history. But he did make tough decisions for much needed cuts. The CPC supporters are proud of how Stephen Harper slashed spending via the budget for Canada’s Food Safety Inspection. While the cutbacks took time to be implemented, and directly resulted in a major food poisoning outbreak that killed seventeen people and caused Canadians to lose faith in the packaged meat industry, they are working well otherwise.

Stephen Harper showed his ability to manage the CPC and make tough decisions when he kicked Garth Turner out of the Conservative party for blogging his views, which is behaviour completely out of line with modern Conservative politics. Stephen Harper later fired conservative candidate Mark Warner for his interest in social issues concerning local residents. He went on to show his strong leadership ability to control the Conservative party in tough times by banning Conservative MPs from unauthorized media interviews.

Stephen Harper showed his ability to find the right man with the right experience for the job when he made Gordon O’Connor, a former lobbyist for military arms dealers, the minister of defence in charge of $15 billion in spending.

The Conservative Party of Canada has a proven track record for having the ability to backtrack, make tough decisions, and break campaign promises when deemed necessary. Some accomplishments not previously mentioned include.

  • Breaking a campaign promise on taxing income trusts.
  • Ignoring police advice and vowing to dismantle the gun registry after a fatal shooting in Montreal with registered weapons.
  • Promising a lean government, and then bloating the cabinet by fourteen more people, each with cars, drivers and support staff.
  • Leaking confidential diplomatic comments made by Barrack Obama in a bid to help right wing friends gain an advantage in the US primaries.

The CPC is most proud to announce how it has protected Canadians by ensuring that suspected terrorists such as black Sudanese-Canadian Abousfian Abdelrazik are out of the country as much as possible. Under the CPC, the Canadian government demanded his continued arrest, incarceration, and interrogation by a foreign government not only known for torture, but wanted by the International Criminal Court for genocide against Black Sudanese people. The government continued to refuse his reentry to Canada despite his being cleared by CSIS and the RCMP, because the CPC knows best.

Furthermore, during CPC rule, the borders have been tightened so much that even foreign-born Canadians, such as Suaad Mohamud from Somalia, have had their passports confiscated while trying to come home. The CPC has also ensured that Canadian passport and Immigration services are accountable to nobody. We are proud that the only possible recourse for Canadians in dire situations from Canadian government inaction overseas is by drawing massive media attention to their cases and getting lawyers to act on their behalf by dragging their issue in front of the slow and inefficient Canadian courts.

As you can see, the Conservative Party of Canada has been hard at work to make Canada prosperous, independent, and safe. Please vote wisely should an upcoming election be deemed necessary by the godless, baby killing, tax and spend Liberals, the jihad-loving, socialist NDP, and the ungrateful, backstabbing, separatist scum Bloc opposition parties.

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